What’s driving you? And what’s driving me?


Last week’s FB live was about the ‘drivers’. If you haven’t seen it yet, you can do so here and here (for now).

In that video I had promised to send more information to the people currently on my list and then I didn’t… Could I possibly blame my drivers (on top of a lot of unexpected work)?

Before I take you with me, behind the scenes, let me quickly repeat what these ‘drivers’ are.

You could say that the drivers are some sort of basic beliefs, coming from ‘Transactional Analysis’. There are 5 of them:
Be strong!
Be perfect!
Hurry up!
Make an effort!
Please others!

There is nothing wrong with the drivers as such… except when you let them ‘drive’ you, even when it’s impossible and/or even inappropriate. When you cross your boundaries, often it is also because of your drivers. So… I think it’s well worth having a closer look at them. (You’ll find more information in the video or at the bottom of this article).

Now back to me and my week…

Be strong!
This driver is very familiar to me. I basically grew up hearing: ‘You have to go for it! You have to work hard! You don’t quit! … For years I have been giving trainings, even when I was (really) ill. But… I’ve made a lot of progress. Because, what happened last week?
Last Thursday I was involved in a traffic accident as a pedestrian. It was quite scary and there were some physical consequences. Because of my driver, I still went to the meeting I was actually on my way to go to and… I did record the FB live the next day, despite the fact that I didn’t feel very well and I had a headache (in hindsight I shouldn’t have).
“Didn’t you just say you made progress?”, I hear you say…
Well, when I arrived at the meeting, I told the other person I had a headache and was a bit in shock and that, if it got worse, I would like to postpone the meeting. I also took the afternoon off to run the necessary tests and… I took Saturday off to rest, even though I still had a lot of work to do.
Is there still room for improvement? Yes. But I am already quite pleased with the result.

Be perfect!
The extra material was ready*. It was sitting in my computer and then I started: ‘Are there no spelling mistakes in it? Should I not go for a fancier lay-out?…’
And this, in combination with a lot of unforeseen work, was one of the reasons nothing happened…
In the end I decided to send it anyway. In the current lay-out. I promised it. If I want to change the lay-out later, I can still do so.
(*to be completely honest: the DUTCH material was ready… The English version wasn’t. I did have something but it wasn’t ‘mine’ so I had to create it and the fact that it’s quite a lot (with the work I alreayd had), was a big part of the reason for the delay.)

Hurry up!
I do like a bit of ‘pressure’, sometimes I will (subconsciously) postpone things to create it, because somehow I think I’ll do better.
But sometimes there is just too much on the to-do-list and I think everything needs to happen. I have to admit this has been the case this past week.
Well, then it helps to take a minute and have a careful look at that list. What do I REALLY need to do today, and in what order? I will consciously create breaks. And sometimes I’ll do things very ‘slowly’, on purpose: packing my bags, some cleaning up… and it becomes a ‘mindfulness exercise’! (I admit I’ll do this more in the evening and during the weekend and mostly for ‘private’ stuff…)

Make an effort!
Maybe this is the one that affects me the least. Even though some things sound familiar… In the past couple of months I said ‘yes, why not?’ to several requests, especially since the projects were all for next year. But what is th problem: now they all wanted meetings and proposals… this week… And my plate was already quite full. So what do I do not to get aheady of myself in situations like that?
My approach is quite similar to te one above: keep on taking breaks (despite the workload), monotask (no distraction from mail/social media), simplify things, and… write everything down… so I don’t forget anything.

Please people!
I’ve worked long and hard on this one. And don’t get me wrong: I still like to do somebody a favour, to please them… But… not when it means I have to bend over backwards and even get into trouble…
When I notice that afterwards the ‘event’ I feel a bit resentful towards the other one, then I know I’ve not respected my own boundaries. Ok, I admit it, this could be ‘too late’. However, I then have the opportunity to think again about my needs so that next time, I can take them into account… (by the way, did you also see that video: Resilience and needs)

Do some of these sound familiar? Let me know in the comments!

Would you like to know what your drivers are and what you can do about it? Sign up by clicking on this link and you’ll receive the necessary information!