Nancy Batens

I recently went on a mindfulness retreat.
People are often curious to hear what it is all about. I will make an attempt to write about my experience (which might be totally different from somebody else’s experience…)

Before leaving I was not necessarily looking forward to it. Not as in ‘Yeah! Mindfulness retreat!’. Because I’ve been there, done that and… believe me: it’s not always a walk in the park… But I knew it was the right thing to do… so, I went.

The retreat took place in a beautiful place, in the middle of nowhere. It had started 2 weeks earlier and people could join or leave at the end of each week. We were welcomed at 3 pm and joined the existing group for the sitting meditation of 5pm. And then we went into the ‘normal routine’:

Sit, walk, don’t talk.

Sitting very still
Walking very slowly
And… all of this in silence.

Is that it? Yes, while meditating all the time, of course.

On a typical day, the bell wakes you up at 5.30, the first sitting meditation starts at 6 am. Each sitting meditation is alternated by a walking meditation (and yes we do eat, we even have some chores – all done in silence) and the last one finished at 9.30 pm. So the day is very structured and everything is organised for you.

And what is the definition of meditating?

Paying attention to whatever presents itself, as long as it presents itself.

Huh?

Basically you want to exercise your ‘attention muscle’. And how do you do that?

You start by focusing on your breath. This is your basic object of observation. You notice how the air enters and leaves your body and where you notice this (nostrils, abdomen, …). After a while, when some degree of concentration is developed, new objects of attention may be added: the body, physical sensations, thinking, emotions … The idea is that when one of these objects presents itself (eg. you start to think about everything you still need to do after the retreat…), that you notice that your mind wanders off, and that you ‘label’ this as ‘thinking’ or ‘planning’. Sometimes the mere noticing of the thought makes it disappear. Sometimes you’ll notice your thoughts stay there and you just keep on noticing ‘planning’, ‘thinking’, without going into the context. After a while you may notice that another ‘object’ comes to the foreground: for example a physical sensation: your leg starts to hurt (sitting still for a long time in one position can do that to you…). Again, you will label this as ‘feeling’ or ‘pain’… And whenever nothing presents itself, you go back to the basic object of your breathing.

As you can see the instruction is quite simple, but it’s not so easy to do…

Why would you want to do this?

Not necessarily to relax. While focusing on the breath can help you to calm down, opening your attention to other ‘objects’ can also open the door to ‘unpleasant’ sensations, thoughts and feelings… Although we are asked to observe in a non-judgmental way: there are no ‘unpleasant’ feelings, again you will just label them as ‘anger’ or ‘restlessness’ or ‘sadness’ or…

So, if it’s not relaxing, why? By practicing paying attention you get to know yourself better. You start to notice certain patterns, certain thoughts that keep on coming back. And believe me, this can be very confronting… However, this will be very useful when you go back to ‘normal life’. Here too you will be triggered but you might recognize certain patterns, automatic reactions and … choose to react differently.

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor E. Frankl

So instead of shouting back when somebody raises his voice to you, you notice whatever happens inside of you when he does this AND choose not to raise your voice but stay calm (should you want to, of course).

So basically it’s an ‘observation boot camp’ during which you practice very intensively. And the benefits can be reaped afterwards…

Do you need to do a retreat to get these benefits? No, you can also opt for starting on your own (check out this) or doing an eight-week mindfulness course (more info here).

Some more personal conclusions:

• I don’t find the ‘silent’ part so difficult, it’s more not having ‘contact’ with the other participants
• I very much appreciated the 15 minutes’ daily interviews with Frits Koster, who accompanied us in the process with his humour and non-judgmental wisdom
• My mind gets bored easily… and I can be quite hard on myself
• The instructions are simple but keep on being challenging…
• I should consider a career as a scriptwriter… I’ve noticed my mind can come up with the most amazing scenarios
• You’d be amazed at how many aches and pains can be caused by… sitting still or moving very slowly…

So what do you think? Up for some sitting, walking and no talking?

As usual I like to read your comments and questions below!

If you liked the above, you can sign up for more Tips & Tricks here. Looking forward to hearing from you!

 

As you probably know, this is the perfect time for New Year’s resolutions.

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt.

This year, however, I’m going to go for 1 word.

And it came to me during my walking meditation this week (hadn’t done one for a long time…): SLOW

SLOW is going to be my word for 2016. And writing about it now, should hold me accountable.

Why SLOW?

Well, the past trimester has been anything but SLOW. Lots of work, lots of travelling, rushing from one place to the other, trying to finish endless to-do-lists that only seem to get longer… And even though I’ve tried to keep on taking good care of my body, I have received some signals it’s time to SLOW down.

Now, don’t get me wrong: this won’t be easy. I walk fast, I talk fast, I eat fast… But that’s no excuse. “You always have a choice’” so… I’m going to give it a go.

 

I would even like to take this SLOW thing a bit further. A couple of years ago, I came across this acronym in the context of a mindfulness course. I liked it then and I like now: it totally fits my intention for 2016.

What did SLOW stand for? Stop – Land – Open – Wisdom

Stop. Often we are on the automatic pilot. We go on and on without taking a minute to take a step back to have a look at what we are doing. Is it really what we should be doing or how we should be doing it? Therefore it could be useful to (every once in awhile) stop whatever you are doing to …

Land. Land in the here and now, by focussing on your body and/or breath. Allowing some space to take a step back. In this space you need to …

Open. Open up to whatever you are thinking and feeling (emotions and sensations). What is going through your mind at the moment? Are these facts or possible limiting beliefs? Does whatever you’re doing ‘feel right’? Or could it be done differently and … possibly better? And becoming aware of all this will lead to…

Wisdom. If you take some time (= stop and land) and take all the information (=open) into account, your decision/response is going to be ‘wiser’ than when you stay on the automatic pilot. So… stop + land + open will lead to wisdom.

May 2016 bring a lot of ‘wise’ decisions.

 

What is YOUR word for 2016? Share below so we can hold you accountable!

If you would like to know more about mindfulness, click here for more info and here for a mini-course.

If you liked the above, you can sign up for more Tips & Tricks here. Looking forward to hearing from you!

 

Last week I had lunch with Mary. She had changed jobs since I last saw her and when I asked her how things were going, she said she liked it a lot. It was interesting, she got to know new people, and then I heard a slight hesitation… “However, I have problems with the new colleagues.”
After having been there for more than 6 months, she found it quite hard to ‘ignore’ these bad relationships, despite the fact that she liked the content. “I’ll try to hang in there for a while, but I don’t know if I’ll last long”, she said. A friend had told her she should leave as soon as possible. And then the question: “What do you think I should do?”

You know my tagline is “You always have a choice” but I also believe the choice should be yours… I might tell you what I would do but do I know for sure what I would do until I was really standing in your shoes?

I think there are several things to take into account.

NEEDS?

When it comes to the nice job and the not so good relationship with the colleagues, let’s check what is ‘putting more weight on the scales’.
On the one hand there is the nice job. Which needs does it satisfy? Learning new things? Getting to know new people? Something else?
On the other hand there is the not so good relationship with the colleagues. Which needs are not met? Acceptance? Cooperation? …

As long as the balance leans towards the nice job, it would make sense to stay.

However, it’s important to keep on paying attention to the little signals the body will give you. Should you start to feel more and more stress, it may be time for a second evaluation, possibly with a different outcome.

BUFFER

Whenever confronted with a stressful situation, it’s important to take good care of your buffer: it will limit the impact of the stressors (In this case the colleagues’ behaviour). What does this mean? Take excellent care of yourself by sleeping enough, eating well, having a good network of friends, doing sports, etc…

WHOSE BUSINESS?

The author Byron Katie talks about 3 types of business: my business, your business and God’s business.

The colleagues behaving a certain way is their business: not under your control… But that doesn’t mean that there is nothing you can do that might have an impact…

• Have you considered trying to look at them differently?
• You might want to try out ‘Cognitive Restructuring’ or ‘Giving them a fish’…
• You might want to try opening up to them, starting with a DESC… (in a non defensive way!).
• Often people behave a certain way because their need is not met, they don’t feel ok… The moment they start to feel better, they are much nicer company…

In conclusion, dear Mary, I would suggest you start by analyzing your needs and then by having a second look at the 10 short videos of ‘Defeat your stress in 10 days’: they’ll give you a short summary of the concepts I proposed afterwards. I hope it helps! Good luck!

Nancy

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